saved by His grace, through faith.. on repeat. we don’t DO with what GRACE we’ve been given.. it’s all His grace that radically transforms our sinful hearts..
it is all by His grace.. all of..
the digital clock reads 11:00 pm and i think He made that. something about me: short cuts. maybe it’s because i’ve been a nail-biter since i was 8. maybe because i’ve been shaving my head since … crazy, i don’t even remember. maybe because i’ve been near-sighted since the first grade. but more than bloody fingers that sting under hot water, figuring out the real reason why i’ve been balding since 21 (was it the hot springs water in egypt? was it the hair relaxer that korean ahjoommah recommended?, and being legally blind right now, i’m wondering … why did i procrastinate?
did i push back a 10-page paper and a 3-page paper to the very last minute – due in about 10 hours — because i am way too looking forward to an eternal life, or because i struggle with, simply, managing the hours i’ve been blessed to live?
i know i’m a night owl but man, i really wish i could sleep earlier, get my work done earlier …
I am weak and tired
do things intentionally or not intentionally I will still be on the losing end because Christ is my victor
i did something very intentionally, for the sake of the gospel today and got asked about it.
if I’m living for His glory and dying to myself, even if I look like the worst person in that moment, I know that Christ is my reward
since he looks at my heart and he knows that I love my neighbor
and love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength
because even if I don’t, Jesus does, and since I don’t, Jesus takes my place and
clothes me in his righteousness so thtt
God sees Jesus’ perfection covering my imperfections.
new song on soundcloud:
Quick story about how these two guys came over one day and stole my Charizard from my “fire page” of Pokemon cards. That’s not all. It was the first pack I ever bought. That’s not even the worst of it: the card store owner offered my dad $200 for the card but I said no please. Boo me, boo.
God I know! … Gotta know…Gotta? no…
God I know – You listening
Here I am distancing’ myself, wishing you can hear my thoughts [of] what You said/
Treat others like/ you want to be treated/
Golden Rule/ bottom of a totem pole/
effect/ got’em falling on the steps/
blocking numbers in my head/
I’m Mamba and the Steph/ Hold on.
the kids on my block/ stopped by[e] to say hi/
they…were gone before they…entered/ asking if they…could check out the collection/
flipping to the fire page/
the other guy buying time [didn’t know it was a wired stage]/
Why take my penny innocence/ there had to be a Hardaway/
Charizard card worth one day of my dad’s entire pay/
Hey…they-they were kind/ they-they were loving/ they-they treated me like they-they wanted to be treated/
I’m supposed to bee this on nest? Nahh/ [hon…est]
Am I supposed to stay Robin?/
Not a bird… and the…bees, is that talk ever not awkward?/
Father I know you listening, here I am distancing myself…/
Haven’t been myself lately/ someone else under my skin/
heart been acting like the stranger on 3rd and grace/ at a yellow light somewhat uncertain/
Where are you my soul, one I met three years ago/
rushing instead patience, not trusting the process as much as you used to/
you weren’t like this, why has the world abused you/
growing pains, no seriously/ growing literally pains/
spotty conscience instilling my thoughts with guilt/ please remove the shame before this flower wilts/
God I am trusting you with this/ please accept this heart of repentance/
You had nothing before you had something
that something was a gift to fill your nothing
Your hands were empty before they were full
love Jesus more and loosen up your grip on the other things
Literally I got hit on my left cheek
I turned it
I only have God
thanks to you.. thanks to you.. the reminder came at the right time..
love God with all of your heart, soul, strength and mind. love your neighbor as yourself.
No human answer would answer the question: Daniel, so why do you love Richmond?
“Our primary purpose in community is not that our needs are being met, but that Jesus would be lifted up. It is not that we aren’t blessed by the love we share for one another, but that we experience our greatest joy when Jesus is most glorified.”
“Experiencing a people who confess their sins against one another, repent, and forgive is foreign to the world. Communities that live in this way, transformed by the gospel, will not only have a good reputation among their neighbors, but also they will point them to hope in Jesus.”
“The purpose of our lives transcends the country and culture in which we live. Meaning is found in community, not individualism; joy is found in generosity, not materialism; and truth is found in Christ, not universalism. Ultimately, Jesus is a reward worth risking everything to know, experience, and joy.”
You is right David Platt
take me today if that’s Your will though/ heaven has beds and pillows/
the softest plush as soon as my eyes close and my mind roams, I would dream of sleeping/ ah, no lower back aches, no snoring that would wake up neighbors in different countries/
if I miss her, yes, but i’ll catch myself before I miss her face/ she’ll join me soon, and I wouldn’t mind, sharing this bed space/
Every blanket has its pros and cons, like sheep or people/ that’s why I chose this song, right before I sleep/
// 10v3 //
the walk through the garden mm wasn’t it yesterday?
wait … that was six months ago, pardon me … this semester’s wayyy
toooo overwhelming but i’m trying my best to pay
attention to us; need to invest in a heads-up display,
because the road is full of obstacles, check the lanes,
we board planes under dark skies, expect delays
growing stronger & … even when you’re injured you come dressed to play and that’s when i’m asking God what are the next steps to take?
everything’s been real; i’m not going to front, uh, sit here, act like i don’t think it’ll last long, on knee
do i get down though? and ask … the brightest star to light my night sky when i didn’t even pass astron omy
if she says no i’d understand more than she thinks i will,
no matter how many pages she sends me … explaining why … i’ll have to shred the paper and trust that it was never Willed
and the damage inflicted will hopefully be forgiven, forgotten, maybe
wearing her heart on her sleeve of scarlet and cotton, navy
the joker and harley of gotham, crazy
never putting God second anymore, when i did that before my life was toxic, lazy
i had no reason to want to live i forgot that as a Christian i was told to witness
so whoever i meet i’m trying to let him know about heaven’s shindig
when someone hears the Gospel they’re given an option, big diff
receive his gift,
faith or stick to unbelief, but i will try my best to deliver Jesus to your heart
with everything i got in mine, the rest is up to God to switch it
If you can save a soul as disgusting, muddied, scumbaggy, wretched, lost, misguided as mine, it’s Your will that was done.
just hit me: marriage is a divine deal.
a man and a woman say their vows. they are united for as long as they are alive. when a man and a woman get married, they know that they are joined by God’s grace, and when they have children, they raise them, teach them sound doctrine, love them, disciple them to worship Jesus. then the children grow up to repeat the cycle. we weren’t supposed to live in harmony, marriage is so divine. childbearing is so painful, but she will not die. she holds onto the promise that child will join the faith community and expand God’s kingdom for His glory. and the man? he will die for his bride, so that she will be sanctified and made perfect for the time she meets Christ face-to-face.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
the new covenant, to love him with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself, is to have a relationship with God through faith in Jesus. like how circumcision was a sign of the covenant family, baptism also is, not professing your faith, but a sign that you’re also a child of the faith. we have so much security in this family, as Jesus is the groom and the church is his bride. yes, he died for the church. thus, churchgoers who receive faith are then welcomed into his household as His children. then they go out and they share the good news, so that God’s descendants will grow more numerous than the stars.
thanks God for my best friend.
so for believers there is eternal life. death lost its sting. so there’s one way to live.
think im going through some thorny times. rough patches. jagged twists. hurts. He’s faithful. He wants me to be faithful. (i dare not announce on social media platforms whether I am or not.)
God is my judge. Please Lord forgive me for the number of times.. I relapse. Your son is perfect, and I in him am covered by his righteousness. Nothing, good or bad, I do, contributes to my salvation. No more Nike’s “Just Do It” campaign that’s been getting people to fail themselves and feel inadequate more than they started.
Just faith. Just Scripture. Just grace.
She says that she hopes that she’s someone I prayed for, while I’m sitting here like, I don’t deserve a milli-rocking-second of her attention. For her to even remember my name..
while im telling her not to eat mcD’s I’m here ordering a double cheese burger happy meal with gogurts and fries with no salt. I’m a wreck and not talking the potbelly sandwich.
please Lord take everything away from what I don’t need right now.
prays.. and praise.. is like breath.. and breathe..
I have so much to do, it’s not funny. If I laugh, it’s because I cry. Haha. 😭.
My lower back isn’t in the best shape so I’m trying to make the right (necessary?) moves.
God, you created time. You created space. You are love.
4:15 PM and it feels like I’m..
Live life to its fullest. Rely on Him to push you through. Prayers up.
i can hear your cries in the wind, feel your tears in the rain/
2 times is a pattern/ (my supervisor at seasons 52 told me that if i do something twice he’ll see it as a pattern)
your voice gets lost in the chatter/ (trying to listen for God’s voice but it gets drowned in the world sometimes)
batter up, or batter down?/ (step up to the plate and swing? or ‘bat-her down’ reject her?)
look who got more rings than Saturn now/ (Saturn has seven rings, Jordan has six championship rings — Jesus is king though)
Saturday cartoons, hear the laughter? how?/ (remember every Saturday we’d get up early to watch TV shows? where did that go?)
the parents acting all childish in the living room (no matter what, they argue)/ (more than the kids acting childish, the older I get it’s the parents (or myself in the future when I become a parent) acting like kids, arguing)
pay it forward. pay it forward?!/ (remember to give is to bless and we repeat that because earlier I said ‘two times is a pattern’)
got no money in my checking and i’m checking if i could buy another second/ (just because you have no money doesn’t mean you can’t use your credit card; they say time is money but you know that’s not true)
get by another second, every breath and step in the right direction/ (money won’t buy you extra time, so your whole body is God’s, you are a living sacrifice)
by faith not by sight i’m trekking. following the voice of the shepherd, where he promises i can find my rest in/ (Jesus is the Shepherd, and only his sheep know His voice, it’s not what I will do, but by faith in Him, I will obey no matter how hard it gets; Matthew 11:28)
Consolation for the heartbroken is here.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Rev. 21:4
Keep your responses to incidents minor or major consistent, simply because no matter what happens, God remains faithful.
Relieved although re-lived.
is this what near-30 year old’s think about? dang. entering the new year with hold-up-wait-a-second i’m-still-getting-dressed thoughts. grandma turned 87 yesterday. next year i’ll be 30 and she’ll be 88, the year i was born. i got lost thinking about my childhood. i got surprised remembering to thank my cousin for not giving me money to enable my addiction. i got swerved thinking about how she’s raising her daughter in a Jewish school. shoot. reality check just came in the mail. amount’s too big to disclose. if you know an accountant let me know, keep me accountable. mixtape 2018? i wish. lyrics are hard to write when you’re writing papers all day.
reading an email made me cry like no tomorrow.
is a female horse that trots in darkness. when it’s pitched black outside, she thrives, chewing glum when her breath’s hotter than her temper.
she waits for her sunset in shining armor, and runs away from dawn’s wake up call: mourning.
Our nightmare tortures those who do not find peace, who seek no comfort in the One who saves, and who don’t believe that this loving person is a … real person.
might be my favorite hour of the day. just reminds you Jesus is the same yesterday today and tomorrow that His grace is unchanging 24/7.
just took a nap in my car and now about to go all out.. until my eyes get heavy and anchor the body to rest again.
5:52 quick reminder as I sit in the Tyson’s McDonald’s:
1) they blast the music so people can’t “fall asleep” here. There are a few who have overcome the boombap so I call that a boom…nap.
2) remember Daniel, you’re not alone. There are probably millions of people out there in the world studying and reading books and trusting in God’s providence at a mcdonald’s or maybe a Burger King.
3) that maxim “time is money” is a head scratcher. Do those who want more time want more money? Those with no time to spend with their kids means they don’t have any money to spend on their kids? Do people with a lot of time in their hands have a lot of money in their hands? Where you spend the most time, is that where you spend the most money? But what about those who don’t love money? They don’t love time? Hm.
2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV)
10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
double socks, wrapped a Vcu dry-fit around my neck to use as a scarf, my suit jacket as a blanket, and dreaming of roasting marshamallows around a campfire.
your Word comforts me.
there’s a lot on my plate but i’d rather keep my eyes focused on Him.
whether, it’s writing S’ays or penning a new song
still dot my Ice, and cross my T.ea, raise a glass of oolong
to make a toast, a drink for the ageless, i mean,
a drink for the ages, think with the sages
sip on a chard, swirl the barn with your sharp blade
that cuts the grass, a glass shard, a cold shower
after a hard day
why do i stay up more than my body can take it
if i were in the garden with eve and stood there naked would i be asleep
or close my eyes and fake it
a heart issue that’s what they say,
that’s what they keep telling me
a girl loses her dad overnight
and a boy says he hates his mom’s oversight
yelling three, two, one like if i don’t do what she wants
i’m grounded for seven weeks
why am i losing feeling in my wrists?
what happens when i lose my sight but the vision exists
a magazine in the hospital can be life-changing every page flip
bright smiles of cosmetic surgeons glisten words screaming for you to
listen support our business
money will buy you a new life if you can make its payments
but if i were you, if i were you?
that’s the thing if i tell them, they’ll
misunderstand until she meets her ideal match
and when he trips and falls on his knee and gets a concussion and asks her if his name is mary in the future
she’ll say yes and change her name to mrs. under stood
a girl i have gotten to know pretty well, by God’s grace, over a span of two years shared with me, by God’s grace, that she’s attracted to guys who suffer and are innocent. so i went deep see thinking. it’s kind of like deep sea fishing, but instead of fish, it’s casting a line for thoughts. sometimes i’ll reel in understanding, sometimes i’ll catch wisdom. i thank God for revealing what is hidden in the darker waters of my world. sometimes i’ll leave the ocean empty-handed. thankfully, not today.
i don’t want to be a man who complains and whines to people. venting, sure, who doesn’t? but if i reach out to someone and he or she rebukes me for thoughts i should not keep, i would be grateful. open rebuke to heal an open wound–i’ll take it. but when i’m suffering for Christ, i would hope that whatever i share–where i’m sleeping on the weekends, how many hours i’m up every week, my inabilities and insufficiencies and inadequacies–please, may they never sound like complaints! on the other side of complaints, may they never sound like i desire pity! i’ve endured and overcome a variety of afflictions–but a majority of them were self-inflicted. or were they? i can’t, and won’t doubt that God’s been by my side every step of my times of obedience and disobedience.
what is total depravity? why is man considered “totally” depraved? yes sin has affected all-us, even our thoughts and knowledge. that’s what the noetic effect is. we are incapable of understanding everything, yet God gives us clarity so we don’t lose our sanities. He gives us direction when we feel like we’re walking through clouds, not on them. total depravity is like.. stepping into a don john at 8 pm in the summer. no one hops into an immaculate port-a-potty! haha, it is utter devastation to all five of the senses. every fiber of all-us, our “total” being is taken aback by what happened in the don-john. close your eyes and breathe with your mouth open? nope, i’ve tried that. doesn’t work. (no one wipes off their mis-aimed piss after use.) what Jesus did on the cross was voluntary, voluntarily custodial.
why do we, I, take yourself so seriously? let’s try to take ourselves less seriously, and instead, take ministry seriously. take the gospel seriously, apply seriously the Word of life on your heart. you put face masks on your head to clean your pores, why not read Him during those 15 minutes?
blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are the pure in heart. (matthew 5:3 & mt. 5:8)
“trust in the Lord and do not lean on your own understanding” #true
i dont want to be a hindrance to my friends, enemies, anyone.
everyone’s stumbling block needs to be “Christ crucified” and here i am nottttt trying to get in their way. me? obstacle? no thanks, maybe another time*. love is patient, love is kind, love is.. read the rest of 1 corinthians 13. if the Word tells us not to lean on our own understanding, i’m guessing a lot of people do. when they do, they fail, because the antithesis is to trust in the Lord. okay. that’s perpetual, not a case-by-case basis.
so let’s go! whatever understanding i have of someone’s introspection means nothing. tighten up, dp. whatever detroit’s going through, i don’t understand. trust in God. whatever orlando’s going through, don’t try to understand! trust in the Lord. whatever virginia is thinking, trust in the King. whatever maryland wants to do, cool. trust in the Father.
throwing away any of my crutches that say “dp’s understanding” into the garbage. no point. always learning something new. say deuces to the false prophets.
i love God, Jesus, and do me. prov 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. #true
*there is no other time
p.s. imperfections are imperfections for a reason, no one’s perfect
Shh-ouldn't have doubted. I leave emptier than I entered. Pd shut my system down for thinking outside of myself. Thank you for that, mentor.
Don't regret. Instead, just kill it.
Prayers are being answered. Dad said yes. This might or might not be my last chance but I am going to pray continually.
A HS student asked me about how he should rebuke someone. And I basically told him I needed that rebuke. Yes. Better is open rebuke than a clothed mouth.
I am broken but Jesus is victorious.
Dear future Daniel,
You already are aware, or should I say, you will never-ever again be oblivious, of how perfect God's timing is, and two, to never cut the line. The latter is more of a troubler for you, but you've healed a lot since the 2000s. Taking shortcuts is the Achilles heel and cause of pain in your life, but that's because, for you, actions are "most hardest" to control versus not bringing your thoughts into life. Right?
For me any..
Anyway. To the point. Two to be exact.
One. I am in love with someone's heart and persona and character. She is XY years old and I will not disclose anything else about her unless you want to know if she's Christian or beautiful because, that…my friend…is what she encapsulates inside and out. I am praying about this and the sloths are training me how to run.
Second. I am not going to guarantee myself anything regarding Ministry. This is God's church. I'm just a pawn. Heaven is my destiny the road is narrow, and I am just a car being operated by the Spirit.
Not take thanks, but give thanks.
Cheers to another three-night-stay at Honda Accord Hotel. 5-star, one bedroom, non-smoking, all accommodations and essentials supplied by God.
Learning … a lot about what it means to truly love His people. Wonder if Jesus asked Peter, four, no, 12, maybe even 349 times, “Do you love me?” if Peter’s response would have stayed the same. Dang. This lifetime commitment to picking up the cross, what amazing grace I have received to even carry it another step! I don’t deserve salvation, yet Jesus said, “It is finished.”
Lord, I pray for my staff. Please show them the importance of showing up. Thank you for their hearts to serve, but may their hearts be in the right place.
God help me get into the Master’s of Divinity program. I don’t want to graduate with no degree. But even if I don’t, may Your will be done. God says, “You don’t need to get straight A’s if you’re busy living for me.” Sure? I’m not shooting for an idolatrous score.. It’s just that I didn’t even know what Reformed meant before enrollment..
These past four months never highlighted a “honeymoon” phase. I can’t even say “honeymoonish.” Maybe the first day it was okay, but seriously, even now, I’m just…28 about to turn 29, living at Honda Accord Hotel, scraping by to survive, because you’ll trying to budget. I’m not ashamed of where I’m at in my faith.
Either my battery will die before my friend gets here or I’ll finish this post before my battery dies. Sitting in a booth at Yard House at SFM. I haven’t seen this guy since January(?), glad I can catch him before he leaves for Cali tomorrow. Good friend. All of my friends live so far away from here. I’m like home base for them. Boo hoo DP cry more.
One down at a time. One play at a time. Just trust the process and keep learning and asking questions. Remember where you started?
Yeah. It’s one or the other.
Trusting God with everything, from the next penny I make to the next person I encounter. I love the students he’s placed in my life. How I’m doing is up for God to judge. All I know for certain is that Satan has finite resources. Jesus already, and keeps, won.
29 in September but remember age is nothing but a number.
Woke up to something I would complete a Zumba workout to. To the owner of the car parked next to mine, thank you for the wake up call! Got to include some sprints, jogs and push ups into my day!
Now to church for early morning service. Then prepare, then meeting with JK. Go to Vienna for Elle (Pelican) and Juno’s wedding. Day’s far, far from over. Grind doesn’t stop. Believe in God, trust in His promises!
“Health over wealth” but you already know, God over everything. Our hope is in Jesus Christ who’s (hurry up please), coming soon!
Tonight was interesting. 2 nights in a row sleeping in the batmobile. Woke up, brushed my teeth (had water in my Gatorade bottle), & headed to work.
I really get what the meaning of “age is nothing but a number.” It has little to do with dating or marriage. It’s really nothing but a number, literally. Today I realized God has me going through another trial in which, He’s definitely prepared me for these back seat long nap sessions. It was the same joy I had in my heart when I was driving around RVA and working as a trashman, the same love in my heart I had when I was walking “with God” in the darkest alleyways and the same peace I had filming two or more hours of a game I had no idea how to play. All glory to God and again, the humbling never stops, because well, “love never ends.”
Our arrogance is a fire incapable of becoming fully extinguished. (I’m sure I could word that better.) Who cares. It’s a blog no one reads. Anyways.
Today I got lunch with pastor Park at Yuraku. Got back, texted JeQuan Lewis and asked him if I could FaceTime him later and asked if he could talk to our students about faith and basketball. He said yes. Then I prepared.. then I picked up DY from school and we grabbed a bowl of pho. Not that good. (phosluscious.) Then I dropped him off at swim practice, headed back to church, and then tried to take a power nap. Eh. Didn’t work. At 7. Dinner. At 7:25, I called Jequan Lewis and by God’s grace he answered!
He told the students God first.
Really I have a staring problem. I’ll stare at a line on the page so hard but still not understand what it’s saying.
Honestly I am not an “on-paper” person. I look at my personal rap sheet and my resume which leads me to say, “While it does tell you what Daniel Park did and does, it will not reflect who Daniel Park is.”
Am: Korean service ended 24 minutes ago. Seems like the senior pastor’s message and mine are the same. When I listen to the heart of the sermon it’s mysteriously aligned. Ok. I’m now in my education department office, where I spent the night, where I caught three hours of sleep, if you can even call it that. Of the three hours of freeze-to-death my shivering body beat my alarm clock set for 3:50 am in a race. Then I prepped for service until 7. Had a banana, hardboiled egg, and pb&j sandwich for breakfast. There’s a baby crying, a girl trying to get an adult’s attention, and praise team leading the EM service with “River of Life” upstairs. Peace and quiet with God is all heart. It has to be. Thank you Jesus.
Pm: we’ll see if I even make it.
See ya (either on earth or in heaven).
march madness? nahhhh.
Lrd, whtevr You’re preparng me 4, there’s one, and only one, way, truth, life, to find out.
Seldom do I post twice in one day, never in one evening, but when I do, the second time is when I’m relieving my lower back pain sitting against a powerjet inside of a hot tub. Fancy, no, but if you’re really judging, this is my idea of a vacation.
So I’m sweating my sorrows and stress away, thinking about wow, how did I end up here (God)? I’m not really this contemplative haha (who am I kidding 🤣).
But I was thinking about how I have so much work to get done in these next two weeks. The cycle doesn’t stop, is one thing I’m beginning to come to grips with. I thought there would be a moment of sliiiide and chiiiil. Nope. God is allergic to laziness. Find rest in me he’ll say. That’s what is so cool about being a slave unto righteousness. Because our sliiiide and chiiil is just that–we fail and fall short of God’s glory. No matter what we try to do, our finitude, our pathetic-ness, shouts, “WE NEED YOU.”
And I have 19 years of journals in my room. Is that hoarding? Idk. But God.. still Your patience.. and Your love.. may I never, ever forget.
Remember where you started?
My professor said something today worth typing into this box (hopefully) so that I’ll come back later to see if anything’s changed. Obviously, I would’ve jotted it down in my journal but tee bee ayche, it’s not meant to be kept.. private.
Reading the end of 1 Timothy 6, Paul talks about how we aren’t going to take anything with us. Be content with what God gave you. Humans naturally, want more and we’re always comparing ourselves to xyz forgetting how quickly companies are producing the newest, greatest–thing.
Anyways, before I wander off, I wrote down what Dr. ABC said, based off Dr. John Frame’s tri-perspectival method. Financially…
That’s the thing. He said – you know those people who want to get married, they’re like–date, date, date around, and then there’s the other class who won’t date at all, hoping Mr/Mrs. Right comes along? Same mentality for those who want to get rich. They’ll save, save, save. And the others will spend, spend, spend. One’s idolizing marriage, one’s idolizing getting rich. There’s so much more to that could be said. Let’s talk more about it.
14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14
prayers substitute my thoughts. ideas become petitions. please answer these requests, God.
a night like tonight does its best kobe bryant impression and leaves me no choice but to regard it as one of the greatest memories to ever plant the brain.
i will remember you as the fourth all-niter in two weeks. some nail-biting finishes, others landslide embarrassments.
it’s 5:21 a.m., i’m falling asleep but my thumbs are acting like brats on the loose right now, gliding across the keyboard under the glass screen.. every envious finger’s dream.. to ice skate.. lucky toes they think.
but toes can’t shoot rock, paper, scissors..
five days ago sunday, i woke up at 7:30 a.m., washed up, got ready by 8 something, stopped by the sunoco, purchased breath mints, gum, and a red bull, chugged it down in the car, and checked in to church just in time for pre-service prayer.
after service, we went to danji to dine with a couple of newcomers. interesting. we had to get back to church by 2 for our monthly staff meeting, which ended at 3:45, and time flapped by, because it was 4:45 and i was ordering off taco bell’s dollar menu. it was on the way to pastor daniel’s house, for our 5:00 pm cg leaders’ meeting.
with dinner, the night ended at 10. instead of going home i drove to centreville ihop, to finish up two papers. sense of urgency was at an all-time high, since the nearly-finished one was due on monday and the not-evens-started paper was due monday evening.
paper 1: done by a little after one. paper 2, i died. i ordered a chicken sandwich and five pitchers of coffee (it’s bottomless, chill).
i left for early morning service (5:30 AM). i got to the sanctuary, took my contacts off, closed my eyes, and listened.. to the korean that i barely understood. but the pastor preaching was crying.
he had announced the death of our emeritus pastor, reverend won sang lee, at 5:27 a.m., officially. i couldn’t believe it. i didn’t believe it.
i was mentally drained.
after service i laid on a couch for 30 minutes. i was assigned to bring the table from the well to centreville library by 7:00 a.m., for centreville morning outreach.
24 hours had passed. i then left back for church to finish paper #2. i did. it took too long. i couldn’t focus. it was a monday. i finished the paper yeah, met up paul for dinner at vit goel. we talked until i had to leave for class. i was so mentally drained that i missed two exits off 495. i had coffee, too.
i get to class 10 minutes late; during the first break i walked up to turn in my paper. everyone’s wondering why, because it’s due next week. sweet. turn the cheek of my humiliation. no worries. i turn it in anyway and ask him if he can revise it. he says sure, come any time you can.
i’m in bed by 10:30 p.m., on a monday.
fast forward, today’s friday, 1:40 a.m., and i’m at ihop again. tomorrow’s going to be a lonnnng day. look on the bright side.
continuation of gratitude series..
m, maybe, u’ll stumble upon this, ah, highly doubt you will, but you are the king of surprises, so if you do, congrats, and cheers; this entry’s dedicated to u, for my personal keepsake, because my middle name is Introspective, ok, back to u.
i know where to start, not how to start, so i’m in my car with the engine on, in my parking lot, but i could reverse or put it in drive. get it?
__, i’ve worked 38 jobs, and i know ive not had a more real, to-da-point, honest, boss. ive had really nice ones, but i think the kindest gesture could come from the tiniest splashes truth. youve told me to never trust you, so i didnt. youve told me to trust God, which ive been doing. even before i met you these two rules applied.
__, im 28 but when i’m around you i feel like im 14, clueless and starry-eyed. both when the reproof kicks in and when youre uh, relieving stress in uh, hhhilarious ways. i hope, if ever i get a shadow, he’s as cool calm collected as i am. in two words, open-minded.
__, ___ ________ __ __ ____ _____ ____ ____ ____. thank you, really, that’s grace collab’ing with mercy, then packing a punch to my gutt, like because i really need it. the time i didnt edit 100percent, that time i dropped the rock by coming late to a somber gathering, the time i, the times i.
and to not toot my own horn, im glad you dont sit there and ? my work ethic, whew. ive matured a lot since 2012.75; not saying i deserve anyyyy opportunity, but im glad i bet on myself and followed through. the toughest of times will be the easiest of times later because of your discipline, __.
theres a lot more to cover; save that for later.
i still have three points to cover. i still have two hundro pages to read. hm, but.. my mind and heart’s friendly, endless (friendless?) game of ping-pong won’t let me concentrate.
neither player wants to let go of their paddles. there’s only one way to put a stop to this madness. vent. forgive me in advance for the ambiguity. i learned an extra-jumbo-size amount of lessons since 9.2.2015.
… unloading …
eeks, where do i begin. i am not in this alone. if i die tonight i’m with God. if i stay alive tonight God’s with me. what’s there to stay cooped up about then?
you know what actually?
my heart dropped the paddle.
Eh, I guess it’s time.
Can’t believe I’m choosing right now and right here to type this out all out; can’t believe I’m not penning this in my journal; can’t believe a lot of things.
It’s okay to not be okay with what happened back in April.
My professor’s words are ringing the bells of my heart even eight hours after speaking with him about what occurred in my life late April. I – honestly – didn’t have the light of day to process anything related to that event. For those who don’t know: I had to call off a wedding due to reasons I am able to identify, but I can’t fully blame. Locking in a wedding date was unacceptable, and human of us in God’s view; actually, complaining about the results isn’t something I never had in my agenda.
I should have been patient. Am I learning? I think so? Am I growing? I believe so? Am I stupid for doubting God’s timing for my life? Yes.
So I failed because I lost faith.
I lost faith in a God who cares and loves and is good. Faith slipped on a banana peel and instead of picking up my prayer life I kneeled and sobbed about my unluckiness. The bounce back is crucial for any Christian’s life, we know the standard protocol: attend church service, reach out to the pastor, ask for guidance, read the Word, read the Word, pray to Jesus, and repent.
What I didn’t do (at all), is examine my own heart, not ask Christ to reveal what’s hiding beneath the dark clouds of my guilt and shame.
So, back to the banana peel. What made me slip? What are my internal struggles?
I love the students in our S&L College Ministry.
But more than them, I love Jesus. Don’t forget this, Daniel Park. Always love the Creator. May He be the reason why you serve, and not the other way around. It’s not that: “because you love the people, you will love God more.”
Never boast to others about how much you do for the ministry. No shepherd should be out there, yelling, “Ha! Look at my flock! Look at how diligent I am!”
Please tell those ministrians, servants, pastors, whoever, to calm down, to remember who called them to serve in the first place. Certainly there are people using their talents and skills to glorify themselves and talking about how they would die for their callings. Chill. I do not doubt that you would, no, but I do question if your heart is still on fire for God (or something else now).
What’s absolute in this life besides Jesus?
Divorces sever marriage vows. Cancer can be conquered. Guarantees don’t fill voids, and friendships, on the contrary to popular belief, end.
Unfortunate yet true, nothing in this world lasts forever. That’s probably why people reject the notion of eternal life. How could there be? It’s a challenge trying to cling onto monogamy for adults – to believe that there’s a God out there who loves and care about me?! Wha?!
There is an unnumerable amount (approximately 1.2 trillion), thoughts ricocheting off the walls of my brain right now. Call it m-indigestion. Mind-full. Mindy, pronounced windy. I want to scream inside a pillow but that’ll wake up my parents and possibly neighbors. I want to go outside and take a walk but it’s 2 degrees and snowing.
Help me, Jesus.
When I was in middle school, the high schoolers stressed over college applications.
When I made it to high school, the older ones trembled out of exhilaration with concerns about the real world.
When I enrolled at VCU, the young professionals lamented over bills and made questionable purchases.
And now that I am 27, in the big leagues, in bed on a Sunday evening, I’m perplexed by it all. I’m trying to figure out if I mistakenly took their word for it.
If I could go back to 2000, I would ask Jordan on a date (and get rejected). I regret chickening out.
Hey, do you believe that a single flap of a butterfly’s wings could change the ocean’s current? It both frightens and inspires me to know that a moment in history – a spoken word or action taken – could change the course of another individual’s life.
Be careful of what you tell someone.
Make sure you think before you speak.
… that leads me to think that everything I’ve gone through, what I’m undergoing now, may have been the result of the nuanced, delicate flaps of people’s tongues and gestures.
I know that won’t make sense to others; too many men and women have advised me over the years. Who I am now is obviously a culmination of encouragement, discouragement, and narratives. Pair those with my personal experiences.
Well, the point is this: to try and not make sense of it. My future stays constantly uncertain. I get it. My destination is a censored bleep on a show more unpredictable than Jerry Springer. Roger that. Why bother to guess what happens next?
Regardless if it gets better or not — honestly — I don’t care. If that’s what I’m working hard for, fine, so be it.
I’m praying He sends me someone who truly understands this principle, one who loves and accepts me for me, has confidence in my insufficiencies, and believes truly that God is the end-all, be-all, in the long haul. this, my friends, is what’s been on my heart as of late.
Proposing to someone with motives to benefit yourself is not only ill-advised, but detrimental to your spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical condition.
Especially if that person says, “Yes,” off impulse.