ah, maze. ah, musing.

continuation of gratitude series..

dear __,

m, maybe, u’ll stumble upon this, ah, highly doubt you will, but you are the king of surprises, so if you do, congrats, and cheers; this entry’s dedicated to u, for my personal keepsake, because my middle name is Introspective, ok, back to u.

i know where to start, not how to start, so i’m in my car with the engine on, in my parking lot, but i could reverse or put it in drive. get it?

__, i’ve worked 38 jobs, and i know ive not had a more real, to-da-point, honest, boss. ive had really nice ones, but i think the kindest gesture could come from the tiniest splashes truth. youve told me to never trust you, so i didnt. youve told me to trust God, which ive been doing. even before i met you these two  rules applied.

__, im 28 but when i’m around you i feel like im 14, clueless and starry-eyed. both when the reproof kicks in and when youre uh, relieving stress in uh, hhhilarious ways. i hope, if ever i get a shadow, he’s as cool calm collected as i am. in two words, open-minded.

__, ___ ________ __ __ ____ _____ ____ ____ ____.  thank you, really, that’s grace collab’ing with mercy, then packing a punch to my gutt, like because i really need it.  the time i didnt edit 100percent, that time i dropped the rock by coming late to a somber gathering, the time i, the times i.

and to not toot my own horn, im glad you dont sit there and ? my work ethic, whew. ive matured a lot since 2012.75; not saying i deserve anyyyy opportunity, but im glad i bet on myself and followed through.  the toughest of times will be the easiest of times later because of your discipline, __.

theres a lot more to cover; save that for later.

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Trust God! K.

Eh, I guess it’s time. 

Can’t believe I’m choosing right now and right here to type this out all out; can’t believe I’m not penning this in my journal; can’t believe a lot of things.

It’s okay to not be okay with what happened back in April.

My professor’s words are ringing the bells of my heart even eight hours after speaking with him about what occurred in my life late April.  I – honestly – didn’t have the light of day to process anything related to that event. For those who don’t know: I had to call off a wedding due to reasons I am able to identify, but I can’t fully blame.  Locking in a wedding date was unacceptable, and human of us in God’s view; actually, complaining about the results isn’t something I never had in my agenda. 

I should have been patient. Am I learning? I think so? Am I growing? I believe so? Am I stupid for doubting God’s timing for my life? Yes. 

So I failed because I lost faith.

I lost faith in a God who cares and loves and is good. Faith slipped on a banana peel and instead of picking up my prayer life I kneeled and sobbed about my unluckiness. The bounce back is crucial for any Christian’s life, we know the standard protocol: attend church service, reach out to the pastor, ask for guidance, read the Word, read the Word, pray to Jesus, and repent.

What I didn’t do (at all), is examine my own heart, not ask Christ to reveal what’s hiding beneath the dark clouds of my guilt and shame. 

So, back to the banana peel. What made me slip? What are my internal struggles? 

Love you Jesus

I love the students in our S&L College Ministry.

But more than them, I love Jesus.  Don’t forget this, Daniel Park.  Always love the Creator.  May He be the reason why you serve, and not the other way around.  It’s not that: “because you love the people, you will love God more.”

Never boast to others about how much you do for the ministry.  No shepherd should be out there, yelling, “Ha! Look at my flock! Look at how diligent I am!”

Please tell those  ministrians, servants, pastors, whoever, to calm down, to remember who called them to serve in the first place.  Certainly there are people using their talents and skills to glorify themselves and talking about how they would die for their callings.  Chill.  I do not doubt that you would, no, but I do question if your heart is still on fire for God (or something else now).

#Reset #prayforthem

 

Rumble, jumbled garbled ramblings

What’s absolute in this life besides Jesus?

Divorces sever marriage vows. Cancer can be conquered. Guarantees don’t fill voids, and friendships, on the contrary to popular belief, end.

Unfortunate yet true, nothing in this world lasts forever. That’s probably why people reject the notion of eternal life. How could there be? It’s a challenge trying to cling onto monogamy for adults – to believe that there’s a God out there who loves and care about me?! Wha?!

There is an unnumerable amount (approximately 1.2 trillion), thoughts ricocheting off the walls of my brain right now. Call it m-indigestion. Mind-full. Mindy, pronounced windy. I want to scream inside a pillow but that’ll wake up my parents and possibly neighbors. I want to go outside and take a walk but it’s 2 degrees and snowing.

Help me, Jesus.

 

 

It gets better?

When I was in middle school, the high schoolers stressed over college applications.

When I made it to high school, the older ones trembled out of exhilaration with concerns about the real world.

When I enrolled at VCU, the young professionals lamented over bills and made questionable purchases.

And now that I am 27, in the big leagues, in bed on a Sunday evening, I’m perplexed by it all. I’m trying to figure out if I mistakenly took their word for it.

If I could go back to 2000, I would ask Jordan on a date (and get rejected). I regret chickening out.

Hey, do you believe that a single flap of a butterfly’s wings could change the ocean’s current? It both frightens and inspires me to know that a moment in history – a spoken word or action taken – could change the course of another individual’s life.

Be careful of what you tell someone.

Make sure you think before you speak.

… that leads me to think that everything I’ve gone through, what I’m undergoing now, may have been the result of the nuanced, delicate flaps of people’s tongues and gestures.

I know that won’t make sense to others; too many men and women have advised me over the years. Who I am now is obviously a culmination of encouragement, discouragement, and narratives. Pair those with my personal experiences.

Well, the point is this: to try and not make sense of it. My future stays constantly uncertain. I get it. My destination is a censored bleep on a show more unpredictable than Jerry Springer. Roger that. Why bother to guess what happens next?

Regardless if it gets better or not — honestly — I don’t care. If that’s what I’m working hard for, fine, so be it.

I’m praying He sends me someone who truly understands this principle, one who loves and accepts me for me, has confidence in my insufficiencies, and believes truly that God is the end-all, be-all, in the long haul.  this, my friends, is what’s been on my heart as of late.

Proposing to someone with motives to benefit yourself is not only ill-advised, but detrimental to your spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical condition.

Especially if that person says, “Yes,” off impulse.